It’s impossible to not evolve when a single becomes a couple… some people don’t change at all, and then there are the friends who go through a magnificent metamorphosis the minute someone enters their life. All of a sudden, you’re like “What have you done with my friend?!”
1. The Gushing Goon
Good Christ, shut up already. We get it, he’s the perfect man. You’re making the Barneys we’re dating look even more pathetic than they are. Now, here’s a medal, go choke on it.
2. The PDA Pain
Ok, we’re here to eat, and we don’t mean each others faces. Nobody knows where to look and frankly, all this display of feelings is making everyone feel uncomfortable especially the couples who can’t stand to look at each other.
3. The “We” Wench
That one friend who “we’s” all over you. So enthralled by the notion of finally being part of a couple, every other sentence out of her pissy mouth has the word “we” in it. “We will be doing this on Saturday”. “We watched that movie already”. “We have a suicide pact”. Nothing makes us happier than hearing “We broke up”.
4. The Know-It-All Knob
This bitch probably hasn’t been in a relationship for a while for whatever reason, and now that she’s in a relationship, she’s got advice for everyone. Conversations with her are like attending a reading of “How I Am An Awesome Girlfriend And How I Control And Make My Man Fall Madly In Love With Me – Trust Me, I’ve Been In This Relationship For 3 Months”.
5. The Share-My-Joy Shit
Great. You’re in a relationship. We are very happy for you. And now, you want us all to drink the Relationship Kool-Aid by setting us up with the most random of your beloved’s friends. “Let’s all get married together!” “Couples dinners!” “Oh, you’re not a couple, tough, no dinner for you!”.
6. The Ditching Dick
Possibly the worst crime on the list. The friend that deserts her friends because she is so completely wrapped up in the rapture of love and infatuation, never to be seen again. Until it’s over. We all get mesmerised, blinded and turned around sometimes, that’s understandable and forgivable… just don’t ditch the people who were there for you before the love of your life waltzed in.
*** I may have been one or two of these types before. If you know which ones, keep it to yourself.