This post would be the brother of my earlier blogpost, The Psycho Sisterhood. As many types of crazy girls exist, there are the stereotypical, uncomplicated molds of men. So, here are the various types of men, that a single girl might run into.
The Sweet Talker
Smoother than silk, sweeter than really sweet stuff – The Sweet Talker will spin a web made out of agave nectar as quickly as 15 minutes into the first date and this can temporarily blind the single girl (basically, you’d end up looking like Frodo in that spiderweb: incapacitated and wondering if Gollum will come to gnaw you out). The Sweet Talker’s game is easily identifiable and a lot of fun, as long as you’re aware that you’re in the House of Mirrors and the carnival’s about to close. The Sweet Talker will wax lyrical, and ambiguously, about commitment (“When we’re married, we’ll eat here all the time”), about the future (“I’m sure you have baby names, tell me!”) and about your family (“Are your parents awake, I’d love to meet them”). Yes, there are men out there who actually say these things. A little sugar never hurts, but you don’t want to lose anything to diabetes.
The Casual Caller
The Casual Caller will take you on a less-than-stellar road trip to nowhere. He’s the guy that likes to pop up occasionally via text to have a low-key catch-up conversation and will end it with one of the following, “Let’s meet up”, “We should have a drink”, “I really just wanted to say hello and keep myself on your radar in case I ever wanted to activate the Dick Signal”. The Casual Caller will keep you in his back pocket and this will never go anywhere.
“Playboy”, my ass. There are a whole lot of mansluts out there – the kind that feel a night out isn’t complete without banging a chick. They will hit on their friends’ girls, sleep with the friends’ girls (the better mansluts might have an internal conversation about whether that’s ok), call girls whores, grab you everywhere while dancing. To them, women are dispensable and disposable; but through it all, somehow manage to stay mildly charming. There’s no fine line between a “fun guy” and “manslut”. They’re all just mansluts.
Nothing can stop or slow this guy down. You could be a woman who’s married, in a relationship or full-on lesbian, but when The Cockroach has got his sights on you, he can never be deterred. Just when you think you got him with that entire can of bug spray, he resurfaces a week later, waving his little antennae. Usually naturally charming, a good Cockroach manages to get you to enjoy the flirting, less capable Cockroaches are what we call “stalkers”. If you have kids, he will tell you that he loves kids and would like to meet yours. If you have a boyfriend, he will tell you that he’s better suited for you than him. If you tell him you’re a lesbian, he will ask you to bring your girlfriend along. There is no getting around The Cockroach.
The Too-Nice Guy
The sweet, nice guy that moves at such a glacial pace, that he finds himself in the Titanic of friend zones before he’s even realized it. The flaw of The Too-Nice Guy is that they accept that ridiculous reason of “Nice guys finish last”. No-one is asking you to be a dick. But you gotta have some throw-down if you wanna get a ho down.
Mr Big Stuff
Big suit, big job, big ego, big mouth. Mr Big Stuff is probably the most obvious type of man because you will find that you barely spoke during the date. He will constantly talk about himself, and is quite open about sharing because he loves himself. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to speak when you order. He’s also probably really big on working out but not in the best of shape. Mr Big Stuff is more full of himself than a Double Stuffed Oreo, and only for gluttons for punishment.
Who says only single men date? Lots of men who are married or in relationships are expert at forging relationships with other girls, while keeping extremely nondescript about their statuses. You can always tell when a guy fits into The Unavailable box when you have never discussed relationships (either past or present), you usually go on group dates and he doesn’t ask you a lot of questions, just in case you ask them back. Everything would feel very light and easy, yet have a heavy anchor. Cut the line and let that ship sail.
So, there you have it. By the way, none of these types are from my personal dating experiences. If you can disprove this, please keep it to yourself.