I survived the holiday season with minimal stupid questions asked to me. I’d like to think my warning Facebook post helped repel the typical asinine small talk I, as a single person, get. I did get a “Hi! Haven’t seen you in so long….. …… Are you married yet?” from someone in a very publicly bad marriage, so there was that.
So here’s a list of 5 things you shouldn’t say to anyone unless you’re deliberately trying to hurt their feelings and/or look like a jackass.
1. Talk about weight
Everyone owns a mirror. They don’t need you to blurt out “You’ve put on weight!” in front of a crowd, leaving you having to either look away in shame or collapse to the floor, crying “I eat my feelings“. And yet, there are those people that are so incapable of small talk and feel this is nothing more than a harmless opinion that desperately needs to be voiced out. The worst part of these kind of comments is that trying to counter them makes you look like an overly defensive fat cow.
Telling someone they’ve lost weight is only a bad thing to say when you mean it in a negative way. For example, “you’ve lost so much weight, you don’t look good”. Yes, people actually say this.
Respond with: “I’ve got some kind of rare blood disease that causes the weight to up/down”. For all they know, this could very well be true and hopefully teach them to keep their damn mouths shut.
2. Ask about relationships
Every single girl’s nightmare. Single men don’t seem to be so afflicted or concerned by this question. Anyone that asks this question may think it’s harmless but they need to realise it’s almost getting us to admit that we’re flawed and incapable of finding love. It has been my observation though, that the only people who ask this question are usually unhappy in, or questioning, their own relationships. Let’s look at it this way, if you were that close or important, you’d already be in the know, so enough of the “Seeing anyone special?” “Have you got a boyfriend?” “When will you be getting married?” “What’s wrong with you that no-one wants to complete you and be the yin to your yang you big fat loser?”
Respond with: “No”. Just one word. If they try to pursue a conversation, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Sorry, no sharp witty response from me on this one because lord knows, I am sick and tired of trying to be smart to stupid people.
3. Ask about babies
Every married person’s nightmare. “When are you going have a baby?” “When are you going to have your second?” “When are you going to turn into Michelle Duggar and have your own tv show?” This is horribly insensitive question to ask because you could have no idea on the kind of reproduction challenges a couple has and all you did is rip into their hearts with your questions that’s basically asking them about the opening sequence of “Look Who’s Talking”.
Respond with: “Well we had sex last night, so fingers crossed!”
There are the women out there that feel it’s completely ok to ask someone you’ve just met “That’s a nice dress! How much was it?” It’s a great question to completely blindside someone classy who has usually removed the price tag from her outfit. I have on occasion, asked this question to friends I’m close to and I think that’s ok – if it’s handled discreetly and prefixed with “I hope you don’t mind if I ask…”. I know of women who inspect closets and friends from head to toe to competitively determine value.
Respond with: “It was a gift”. End it at that. While we’re at it, don’t ask someone how much money they earn either, that’s just low.
5. Unsolicited opinions
My biggest pet peeve. People opening their damn mouths, pointing out your flaws and how to right the wrongs when they haven’t been asked. These people have got themselves so high on a pedestal that you should feel honored they noticed you all the way down in the bottom of the barrel. “Help me Obi-wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope”. I will never understand how people can be so judgmental and passionate about their presumptions but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with low self-esteem and possibly small boobs.
Respond with: Sorry, I got nothing. I would love to be the kind of person who could calmly assert “Let me stop you right here. I’m ok with my life, so please don’t feel the need to judge it to me or anyone else”. Unfortunately, I’m somewhat of a pushover (read: pussy) and hate confrontations (read: pussy). It’s one part of my two-parter resolution, “Fuck bitches. Get money”.