No Hablo Manspeak.

Lord knows I’ve written enough about crazy girls (here and here). I love crazy girls. Sometimes though, they drive themselves crazy trying to break the original Da Vinci code of it all – the Manspeak. So, when the site HeTexted was introduced to me, it all made perfect sense. The universal question women seem to be asking themselves (and each other) the most now is “What the hell does he mean??”.

I’m an advocate (in theory, at least) of saying what you mean, and meaning what you say. Be honest to yourself about your intentions and what you want, and you will receive it. However, as people get older, their defenses come up – it’s a lot easier to bounce back from heartbreak at 20, than at 33. So everyone is either super careful, or uber careless. Along the way, some kind of two-thumbed Morse code was developed for communication between men and women. Female code is fairly easy to decipher; they’re rarely ambivalent, they’re usually happy or pissed. For example:

“:)” = I want to have your babiesssssss!!
“;)” = I want to practice having your babiesssss!
“I’m fine.” = Fuck off and die.
“Ha.” = Fuck off and die.

Men, on the other thumb, have the occasionally uncomfortable task of trying to solicit sex and/or break-up, while trying to ensure they don’t end up with a braised pet of some sort.

So, my dear, dear ladies… there are very few exceptions to these rules and the chances that you’re it, are slim. Help me, help you.

 

1. “I just came out of a relationship” = “I just want to have sex” / “I don’t want a relationship with you”

Unless that relationship included kids, so? It’s a big fat excuse. Women will instantly want to try to fix this man – to be the soothing balm for their wounds. Snap out of it and realize that while he’s toying with you and allegedly getting over someone else, he’s either a liar, greedy or indecisive. None of those are good qualities. Move on!

 

2. “I’m not ready for a relationship” = “I just want to have sex” / “I don’t want a relationship with you”

Are we getting it yet? Men have mostly 2 intentions for women – and if it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, it just wants to fuck.

 

3. “I’m focusing on work” = “I don’t like you enough to make time for you”

Is he finding a cure for cancer? There are men out there who have successful jobs and TWO families, so don’t turn this bullshit excuse into a reason.

 

4. “Let’s just hang-out” = “Let’s occasionally have sex”

***credit for this translation goes to “a sexy, obviously experienced, worldly, sexy guy friend”.

 

5. “I have a girlfriend. You’re so pretty” = “I just want to discreetly have sex with no romantic entanglements”

The “I have a girlfriend” statement that comes with a compliment is usually a two-door directive: close your heart, open your….

 

6. “Things aren’t going well with my girlfriend” = “I just want to have sex”

See above: duck fuck.

 

7. “We’re just in different places right now” = “I can’t think of a more specific-vague way of telling you I don’t really like you”

He doesn’t even like you enough to think of better bullshit!

 

8. “I’m going to be traveling a lot” = “I can’t be bothered to keep this charade going”

FYI, there’s even wi-fi at Mount Everest now.

 

9. “Let’s have dinner sometime” = “Never gonna happen”

If it’s noncommittal, he’s not committed.

 

10. “Never say never” = “Never “

See above.

 

11. “If you’re out, maybe we can grab drinks” = “I don’t have better plans”

If + maybe = he doesn’t really care either way.

 

12. “You deserve better than me” = “You need to chill the fuck out”

He is overwhelmed and/or has low self-esteem. You cannot fix someone else’s esteem issues. Move on.

 

Ladies, read the synopsis, reviews and signs before buying the book. And if you’ve already bought the book and you don’t understand it, don’t buy a dictionary, buy another fucking book!

 

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5 Replies to “No Hablo Manspeak.”

  1. my thumb is up for you. if only i could tell you how much i agree with you on the third one. i sincerely wish they — men — could come up with better excuses.

  2. You must have been really hurt by someone who you love so much. Not all men are like that. Both gender has equal feelings. Both get hurt, both get use and abuse . we are the same… the human race. dont devide us, Men get rejected by women all the time . But we never give up , somewhere, somehow, someone true will come. If it doesnt happen to us, maybe we must look at ourselves. In life we dont always get what we want, we just get by with what we have. not all of us are Gates, Job, Einstein, Newton…. Be true to ourself. Just smile and stay for while.

  3. Thanks for reading, and the concern. This post, as with most of my posts, are written in humor – in this instance, based on the website hetexted.com and lots of girly conversations over the years. Once again, thanks for reading, and take it easy! x Noelle

  4. I think we’re all guilty of being an asshole to someone in our lives at some point with unrequited interest. I think we should just wear badges with red, amber and green traffic light system to indicate interest without having to give it to much gob.

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