What’s more difficult than finding the perfect man? Finding the perfect girlfriend. The days of Charlotte, Carrie, Miranda and Samantha are over. Girlfriends now come in more packages than ever and as your old girlfriends drop out of the party scene and make babies, one has no choice but to diversify and make new friends. Making new girlfriends is possibly one of the hardest things to do – we’re not talking about acquaintances here. We’re talking about quality girlfriends and I don’t know why but age seems to have a part to play in the difficulty as maybe everyone is more set in their ways. It becomes a “my way, or highway” situation. So, over the years, I’ve tried my best to make new friends and here are the archetypes I’ve come across.


The Judge

This is the girl who will judge the hell out of you. As a single person, I suppose I lead a rather “fun-loving” life which I’m (for the most of) proud of and then along comes Judgy McJudgerson. She’s the person who will encourage you to share your single-girl stories and once you do, she will hit you with her gavel and comments like “You shouldn’t have…” “Oh my god, why did you do that?” “You are really making a mess of things”. Take it down a notch, Judge Judy, I’m just single, not serial-killing.

The Toxin

I used to tolerate toxic people in my life. I used to think that they cared about me enough to point out every single fault of mine. It’s a cover. They are just toxic people trying to compensate for their faults by highlighting yours. You can recognize this trait when it’s unsolicited (it’s always unsolicited) and always seems to pour out upon the telling of a seemingly innocent story. Once again, a story is invited (“Tell me about you and Mr X”) and once I foolishly share, here comes the toxins! “You need to be more honest in life”, “You’re not being a good friend”. Now a toxic person will defend herself by saying “You can’t handle the truth”. The truth is, I don’t want to handle you. Detox.

The Competitor

Ahh, the classic one-upper. This wench will try to one-up you in any possible situation. She will out-dress, (even though you both agreed to dress casually), out-flirt and out-drink you under the table. She wants all the attention and will do almost anything to get it. The tribe has spoken, the Competitor needs to be voted off the island.

The Philosopher

Yoga-philosophising, healthy food-eating, bible-thumping. Enough said.

The Whore

Closely related to The Competitor, The Whore will stop at nothing to achieve her primary goal for the night: a good dicking. The Whore will ride in on the wind beneath your wing(woman)s, and once she has her target, will abandon you quicker than you can say “Durex”. At some point of the evening, you will start to distance yourself from her, practically becoming a wallflower just to disassociate. The Whore isn’t typically toxic but definitely entertaining to watch.

The Virgin

What’s worse than The Whore? The Virgin. Boring, doesn’t cut loose, shy. What’s worse than The Virgin? The Whore pretending to be The Virgin. The one who acts like she’s scared of boys and needs protection. You’re not 13, grow up and get a proper game.

The Sage

Your local unsolicited advice dispensary. She’s the “should” girl. She knows more than, has experienced more than you and knows exactly how you should live your life (interestingly enough, she wants you to end up like her!). More often than not, she is married (most likely unhappily), has kids (is overwhelmed) but is looking to validate her life choices by spawning an army of women just like her. She bought into the “husband + kids = happy ever after” theory and since she can’t give it away, wants you to buy in.


There you have it. Then again, you also have those special girls, the sister from another mister, that are your soul-mates, and I’ll dig through the bargain bin of all those archetypes to find the gems.



4 Replies to “Girlfriends.”

  1. My idea of what the secret recipe to KFC is:

    I guess different people are put on different roads.

    1) ‘the road less travelled’
    2) ‘follow the yellow brick road, with one tin man and one lion and then selectively instragram the fuck out of it so it looks a gazillion times better than reality’

    If you get 1, it’s tricky.

    I get to a lot of strange intersections with unfamiliar faces. And I don’t like that which is why sometimes I choose just to be alone. With maybe a pet or something soft that poops.

    But I’ve been told you’re supposed to try to make new friends for the given leg, just for the company.

    But then I know that once I reach another intersection, some friends will get it… and some won’t.

    And then that’s when it all gets slightly wonky because the deeper I get into that road, the less the odds are that it’d be a familiar face.

    Over the last couple of years of my life i’ve had to release a lot of fish back into the stream. Some that i’ve known for years or intensely over a short period.

    Maybe i’ll meet them by chance someday at another intersection and it will all be fate.

    Till then I just keep swimming. I don’t know. The map says the journey is ahead, not behind.

    The Sage (More the IQ of the herb than the wise guy)

  2. Catch and release! Yes, I have realised that my expectations is the only thing I can change in this scenario. Not everyone is meant to be best friends! x

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