As the brilliant George Michael wrote in his song, “Waiting for that day”:
“Now everybody’s talking about this new decade
Like you say the magic numbers
Then just say goodbye to
The stupid mistakes you made
Oh, my memory serves me far too well.”
2011 doesn’t mean shit. A new year just means you get the opportunity to snowball all the crap from the previous year to a new one – just so you can see how you evolve it. Life is only measured by the big stuff (weddings, life, death) and how often does that happen to you at any given time? All it is, is just a day-to-day shot of doing the same bullshit – OVER AND OVER AGAIN. There was nothing new about 2010 that didn’t happen in 2009. It might have looked a little different but that’s just its outfit. Don’t be fooled.
So, this existential crisis I’ve been having for a while, jumped on my back right into the new year with me. We even kissed each other at midnight. It’s the start of a beautiful friendship. What defines a person? A marriage? Or a happy marriage? How many happily married people do you know? Kids? How many parents do you know long for a weekend of freedom from their kids or a quiet moment? Jobs? How many people do you know love their jobs? What else is there in life? Partying? Hobbies? What the hell else is there in life and how do I get it?
Is it my job situation? Did I make the right decision to stop working for anyone and work from home, for myself, instead? No-one thinks I’m doing this right. They think I should go back into the work force and save freelancing for when I have my elusive children. This choice has been an odd split of conscience for me. On one hand, I’m completely self-satisfied because regardless of what you think, I am in an enviable position. I get to work from the comfort of my home, on my own personal time and without idiots of colleagues. On the other hand, something obviously turns your brain to mush without the constant interaction of clients, colleagues, suppliers. Are we just programmed to work or have I just not found the right formula for me?
Is it the kind of work I do now? Small, personal projects? I did enjoy working on nationwide design and branding campaigns. It’s always nice to open up the national newspaper and see your full page ad. I have to also admit that I like the quiet appreciation I have for the work I do now. It’s making a different to these little people, who genuinely seem to value the work I do for them. It’s very small work but I like feeling like I help them. Of course I miss having a team of design minions that used to do all the work while I came up with the big ideas, then YouTubed for the rest of the day – but do I miss them enough to take this small business further?
Money is also a big thing in my life right now. I used to love having a disposable income – I used to love high-end brands and only took cabs to get around. Now, I walk past Gucci without stopping and only take the train and buses. Yes, I take the bus. I fucking hate the bus. But I take it. Money is good – but at what cost? I had nice bags but also a severe gastric problem that caused me to throw up everyday until my teeth are permanently sensitive (because the enamel wore off).
I haven’t dated in months. My justification is that I am sick of dating morons, dicks and generally people I have nothing in common with or no interest in. Hey, what’s life without rationalisations? Would I want to date? I suppose so – why not? And yet as I keep retreating into myself – how can this possibly happen? I very rarely make eye contact with guys who smile at me now because I am not eager to just be disappointed or be a disappointment. I’m essentially cock-blocking myself.
My life is vastly different from what it was 2 years ago.By choice, by accident, by displacement, by me.
I’m still trying to figure out if “different” is a good thing or a bad thing. Almost everyone I know thinks it a bad thing. How can everyone be wrong?
And just to have a picture, here’s the only picture of me at New Years with my friendly hand-friend. Thumbs up to 2011.